News item: Former president Donald Trump’s indictment in a federal case filed in South Florida has set up a scramble to find local practicing lawyers willing to represent him.
Numerous former lawyers representing Trump had either quit, were implicated in his criminal conspiracies, or were compelled to hire their own lawyers in response to grand jury subpoenas.
Trump was unsuccessful in his search to find new Florida lawyers willing to join his defense team before his arraignment on Tuesday in the Mar-a-Lago national security case.
This is your real president speaking. I’m reaching out because I have heard great things about you and your work as a practicing Florida lawyer.
So, I am giving you a chance to accept an offer of a lifetime, one you would have to be a complete and total stupid person to pass up.
America needs you to represent me in the joke of a case the thugs at the Department of Injustice have filed against me regarding my very proper, personal papers at Mar-a-Lago.
Spots on my defense team are filling up fast, oh so fast, so you’ll want to act soon on this one-time offer.
Right now there are crowds of lawyers waving large flags and standing in the blazing sun outside Mar-a-Lago, hoping I will pick them to be on my prestigious legal team. As I am driven by to play golf at my course in West Palm Beach, I can hear them through the glass all imploring, “Pick me, Mr. Trump. Please pick me to be one of your lawyers!”
These are some very fine people but I am so selective, and only surround myself with the best people, which is why I am reaching out to you, _________ .
If you don’t immediately take advantage of this amazing offer, you may not only lose out on an opportunity to be in the presence of a great American patriot. But you’ll also fail to receive a complimentary, collectible Trump Digital Trading Card — and it’s the good one of me riding a motorcycle while playing a guitar.
Retail value: $99. Actual value: priceless.
This has got to be like the most easy decision for you to make. Simple, so simple.
But I wanted to give you a chance, __________ . Because I hear from people that you are a very good lawyer who loves America, and would do almost anything to serve our great country, which at the present time is broken and can only be fixed by me and me alone.
That’s what people are saying.
It’s not like I even need lawyers. Some of the so-called “greatest legal minds” have told me, “Sir, sir, you know the law so much better than we do, sir.”
True, so true. Nobody knows the law like Trump. If I represented myself, I could get this case thrown out of court in 15 minutes, with five minutes to spare to end the war in Ukraine.
It would be so easy. But the corrupt Deep State is making me hire lawyers. So unfair. People are crying about this.
The federal judge in this case, a very powerful appointee of mine, Eileen Bannon, knows it too. I hear her eyes are constantly bloodshot from all the crying she has been doing about the vicious persecution of Trump.
So, I need you, but I really don’t need you. Can you start tomorrow?
If you’re wondering whether you’ve got what it takes to be on the Trump team, consider these following points:
∙ Are you capable of making a case that Mar-a-Lago bathroom showers can be very powerful and secure storage areas for top-secret military plans, nuclear secrets and sensitive foreign intelligence?
∙ Do you believe that presidents can declassify the nation’s top secrets by “thinking about it”?
∙ Do you take notes on conversations with clients? If so, are you willing to never do that with me?
∙ Do you take action-related instruction from your clients via unrecordable hand signals?
∙ Do you have a big, beautiful paper shredder?
∙ Can you humor Don Junior, if he calls you up at three in the morning to offer you a strategy suggestion?
∙ If I tell you one thing on Monday, then the opposite thing on Tuesday, are you willing to take the full blame in explaining this?
∙ If I ask you to sign an affidavit that appears to be you swearing that the information in that affidavit is true, would you be willing to sign it without reading it?
∙ If you’re a guy: Do you play golf?
∙ If you’re a hot woman: Do you have a photo?
∙ What are your feelings about jury tampering? Do you like it or love it?
∙ Have you ever sued a client for non-payment of your legal bill? If so, please disregard this letter.
Frank Cerabino is a columnist at The Palm Beach Post, part of the USA TODAY Florida Network. You can reach him at firstname.lastname@example.org.